2000 Black Tide Bios (cont.)

Eric Boyd:

Eric is from the great town of Livermore, CA, a city that is basically like Springfield (from the Simpsons), but with cows. We feel that his dramatic increase in skills over the past year can be attributed to the fact that his home is located near a nuclear lab test site. How else can one explain his ability to drink himself to near comatose states and then wake up the next morning and play so well? Eric possesses the unique ability to turn into a Zombie in the bowels of a Saturday night, but we don't mind as long as he stays away from our sisters and continues to "Show Up and Blow Up" come game time. Boyd, has stepped up HUGE and will play big points for us this year on both offense and defense.


Tommy 'Buzz' Hellyer:

Where to begin with this guy...?
Stepping up huge for a third year player, "Buzz" has assumed a great deal of responsibility on offense, defense, and leadership - ordering strippers to his house, and everything else important to keep this team at the level it needs to be.

WARNING:
This guy is so fiery that he scares us sometimes. Every now and then, when things get intense, I'll catch a look at the pupils in his eyes and feel them stab into me. It is at this point that I begin to think that he just might kill someone. Guys on the team know I'M NOT KIDDING. So look out for Buzz, cause this year he's our captain, which might make him just that much more competitive and edgy...


Ian Ranahan:

Once upon a time there was a kid from Orinda, let's say his name was... well... I don't know... let's say Ian. He was a talented kid, fast and loaded with potential. As months went on he got better, suffered through injuries, and recovered just in time to make it back for the Stanford Tournament. He cheered his teammates on all day and did well when he got in. Then it happened. It was so simple, so innocent, but the repercussions were enough to last an entire season. Open side, Ian... got scored on... by a fat guy.

We, the Black Tide brethren hope that such action will not continue in the future and that Mr. Ranahan will take more pride in himself, his team and his family and avoid such action in future competition.

Ian is a nice kid. Lots of heart and bursting with potential.... but he is suffering through his share of trash talk-justice right now.

It all started in an E-mail Dan wrote about a "secret mission" if anyone was planning on driving to Colorado. I asked him one day what this secret mission was all about and he said that his dad works for the San Francisco Fire Department and he could get us oxygen tanks for Regionals. Oxygen, of course, cannot be shipped by air because of its compression. Consequently some of the Cal Poly guys drove the tanks out to Colorado. They were a big help on Sunday for some of the A-Team guys, but the Cal Poly guys who were supposed to drive the tanks back left before Dan and I got to their hotel. So all of a sudden we have two tanks of O2 and no transportation for them, Dan freaking out in front of me with no voice, and me wanting to get back to the hotel to hang out with the rest of the guys. Dan and I went to a hotel and called his parents a little after 11 p.m. on Sunday night. Mr. Schneider said that the tanks should be able to be shipped, no problem. Dan had the idea to go to a fire station and get a letter from them saying that the tanks were purged and safe for travel. It was now close to midnight and I just wanted to get back, so we started to head back to the hotel. Dan told me that he had to leave on the 6 a.m. flight Monday morning and asked me if I could take care of the tanks for him because they HAD to get back to his dad. I agreed and told him I would get them back.

Note to self: Don't agree to do favors for Dan.

So Monday morning we wake up and guess what, that's right it's raining and even snowing a little off and on. Perfect conditions. Dwight, a.k.a. the white boy with soul (check out his blond afro) was my driver, and he and I went out on our mission. We drove 30 min. or so to a fire department where we were helped by a really nice guy but were told there was nothing he could do for us as far as a letter. (A funny side note; the firemen were watching Backdraft when Dwight and I got there.) From there we were sent to a medical supply store another 30-40 min. away. Did I mention it was raining? They were no help either. They unscrewed one of the caps and let the oxygen out and then tried to charge us for that; I told them there was no way I was paying them to turn a knob I could have turned and then they charged us for a certificate of.....well......emptiness. Next we drove to a Mailboxes Etc. where we were told they could not ship anything, but they could pack the tanks so we paid them to pack the tanks and went back to the mall to pick up the other boys and drop them off at a bus that would take them to the airport. Our flight left at 5:18 p.m. Monday. After Jerry joined us 30 min. late (3:30) we drove to UPS. There I convinced some people that I was in a bigger hurry than they were and cut in front of them. I thanked them many, many times. All right, 4:30 pm, package in the mail, we have to drop off the car, get to the airport, and make the flight, and it's raining. No problem. We dropped off the car, got to the airport and hopped right onto the plane - but wait! Where are Buzz, Taylor, Link, and Mike Brown? We dropped them off at the bus to the airport at 3:00 pm, but they are not on the plane. I have no idea what happened to them or where they are.

So after hours of driving and frustration and spending $40 of my own money, FUCK YOU DAN. I still love you man, I'm not bitter, but YOU OWE ME.

Sincerely,
Mike Kuhlmann

There is a movie called "Black Sheep" with David Spade and Chris Farley. It's pretty funny and often quoted... In the movie Farley says "schnikies" in place of another expletive. With the last name Schneider it fit well. Besides with some of the stuff Dan does I'm surprised that people don't say that around him more...